The crossroads

Well I am at a cross roads I started this journey by going back to my hometown where I had made 5 attempts as a teenager, then blocked the fom my consciencousness and moved to manhatten. Now that I have a child I have moved back and while I wait to start graduate school part time and with work and another baby on the way, I started the journey to rediscover my past. This journey provides me with unblocking my memories, opening my emotions so I can be more of a real person and understand who I was. The challenge is these r v dark and painful memories and the evoked feelings could cost me my job as I act out at work or scare people at work, or get passed over for promotions as I am viewed as unstable. Worse yet it open the old vein of suicality where I think of killing myself all the time – jump on the tracks of the el line and electrocute myself (not sure if I sould include that detail). But now that I have started staying up late, listening to dark music, posting to forms – “I feel that the ash of my creamans has more value than my life on earth” and “is it selfish to leave my expecting wife and son for the afterlife”. The responses have been heartwarming and helpful. From others who have had parents that killed themselved and how hard it was -to- others how have attempted and even have it worse in many ways that I, living with their abusers.
I think that I have uncovered 5 attempts so far a my unconscience is becoming unblocked
1. Art studio
2. Forest
3. Home
4. Scout camp
5. ?? Still trying to figure out
This has been a crazy discovery experience but I beleave it is making me stronger…

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