Well tonight I went to the Depression and Bipolar Support Group, however I had the wrong night of the meeting, but this changed my life forever.
Another person also went to the meeting and they also had the wrong night. I called the meeting organizer and he said please have the meeting without me, since it is not scheduled for tonight. So it was just this young woman and I who had the meeting. We talked for 2 1/2 hours, and she studied ballet in New York City and since that time she moved to the city that I am currently in. In her current city, she has no family and her husband has left her. Her job as a message therapist left “her spent.” So with no outlets, no social support systems (friends, family, ect) she hit major block of suicidal thinking. (some would say major depression)
On February 9th, at 4am she told her parents good bye (via the phone), she told her husband good bye (he did nothing) and went to the el line station. She asks the attendant when is the next train, “in a couple of minutes the attendant says.” After walking down to the platform, the train comes rumbling down the track, as it approaching she unfearingly lunges off the platform to the path of the oncoming train but her boot gets caught on the platform, it slows her fall and becomes unhooked just at the last minute. She ends up in the center of the tracks. Her thin muscular arm is instantly mangled under under the wheel of the train, the brakes screech and the wheels of the train stops inches from her neck (on what would have been decapitation). She thinks to herself, I cannot beleave I am still alive, I even screwed this up. Emergency crews arrive to the city scene in no time, she is saved. Her mutilated arm is reconstructed using other parts of her body, skin from her abdominal region and tendons from her leg. During the entire ordeal she is conscience, alive, awake. When the rush her off, she refuses to have her hand amputated even though it is almost completely severed. The skilled surgeons save it however, she looses her thumb.
During our meeting she shares this story, she takes off the bandages and shows me how her arm was mangled and full of stitches. He tells me how she has five more surgeries to go, and they plan on removing her toe to put on her hand to use as a thumb.
Then we turn to my darkness and how, I describe an attempt when I was a teenager of an overdose with sleeping pills. She tells me that I was lucky and I could end up alive an brain damaged, my wife and children will loose the house, they will have to take care of me… That my wife and children will always be haunted by the feeling that if they could have done better, I would not have attempted and this would never have happened. And if I die in an attempt, my wife will have to raise the children alone, and with her family in an foreign country, and they will always be under the in escapable darkness of the death of their father.
This woman is not a paid doctor, councilor or trained therapist. It is real world, hard hitting no bullshit conversation from a person who has been there. FROM THIS TIME ON IN MY LIFE I WILL ALWAYS GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM IF I AM GOING TO ATTEMPT, MY LIFE HAS CHANGED FOREVER. She has become an angel to me, saving me from harm meanwhile the meeting was only through coincidence.
Another point she made was that what ever you put into your body will come out of you. What you eat will become you….
If I listen to dark, destructive, self hurt music/videos/media then you will feel that way. If you focus on the darkness it will consume you, you must look to the light, hope, happiness in life. “I will carry this as a reminder for my entire life from my attempt, look at you, you are unharmed and whole, live…”