Self forgiveness

I am working hard to forgive myself for my unconventional behavior over last weekend. I guess a lesson can be learned about trying to take ones self off medication then mixing alcohol. The hard part is stopping myself from blame and anger I have for myself.

Every morning I start with a panic attack, it is like waking up to a gunshot. Then I take my medication and I have to wait for it to take effect. It is like a drop of blue food coloring going into a clear glass vase of water, wait for the color to emerse the entire container. For me the self critical voice slowly fades into the fuzzy warm light of the rising yellow sun. Then the start of the day.

I wish there was a better way to start the day, any ideas?


6 thoughts on “Self forgiveness

  1. Hi !
    My advise for you is to pray in the evening_when you feel more protected from the outside world and the next day’s requests are still far.This way_the prayer effects will last over that difficult moment in the morning.
    Make the prayer a serious event !After all,it is_you know_your meeting with God !By serious_ I do not mean,of course, dull or lacking humour or joy _but treating it as something important and involving in it your whole person ,on the deepest level you are capable.
    You will receive answers_in the form of ideas,thoughts, good inner states_that will fully reward your effort .Some of those ideas will be of theological value_expressed in your personal language_not as some abstract formulas. And then,next morning, you will remember them_and you will start your day on different terms.
    In my other comment about prayer _I’ve spoken about desire as prayer.Now _it is about prayer as moment of meditation,of transcendence from an usual state of mind_in one more profound,induced by concentration.
    But,of course_prayer is , first of all, a discussion with God. On those profound levels _it becomes another form of exchange_where words disappear.
    By the way_do you know,by heart,The Lord’s Prayer ?
    Would you be so kind to copy it in a future post,here ?

  2. I am in a place that is full of fear and uncertainty. I will try the evening prayer if you say it helps with the depression and darkness. Thanks

  3. Perhaps waking up to soothing music would be a good idea. You can buy alarm clocks with a cd option that you can set for your alarm. So you choose the music and time you wake up. Music by Kitaro or nature sounds might be nice! I’ve been wanting this kind of alarm clock for years.

  4. Thank you, this is an excellent cognitive approach to try to sooth oneself in the morning.
    What is even more important is that some kind soul, yourself, would time the time to care and write, you have given a gift to a
    person who at times is dark empty and alone. This means more than you can imagine.
    Thank you

  5. The lords prayer, I do from my childhood, you can post it too!
    You recommend reading this before bed?

  6. Hi !
    I was speaking about the fact that, in the evening(different from the rush of the morning,when you could hardly concentrate)_you can find some time _to pray,in concentration,and have an intense and profound discussion with God…
    As for The Lord’s Prayer _I’ll surprise you,once again _by telling you that it is quite a “technical” text_and it is not what we are accustomed to consider it to be…
    Believe me_you do not really know _ what you are,in fact ,asking in the Lord’s Prayer !
    I myself (not that I’m giving me as a model to follow _but ,at this point _I’ve felt that I should recognise this ) have discovered what it really means_since last year,only !…

    In fact_the whole Bible _is,first of all, a spiritual guide,a map_ if you wish…But ,this aspect reveals itself to the reader(1)_not from the beginning…
    I could tell you more _but this would mean, from my part _to interfere with your desire towards God !Remember the growth bud _I was speaking some post earlier ?I must keep in my mind,always_not to harm it(yours) (by rushing things or by pressure);it is said that ,in spirituality _there is no coercion !God Himself_ values your freedom_ more than anything else …Because we are at this point_I have another demand regarding a fragment from The Bible :the story with King Solomon and the two women claiming,each, to be the real mother of the same child…Please,be so kind and copy it here,exactly as it appears in The Bible !)

    Now _be a good boy_ and post The Lord’s Prayer ! Remember that I’ve told you I don’t have an English version of The Bible…

    By saying that I must not interfere with your desire about God,about having a real relation with Him and having Him as a real presence into your life _ these don’t mean that I’m powerless or passive regarding your spiritual evolution(or Agy’s)…
    On the contrary _I have the power of prayer…Because, although one only can dispose about his (hers) own spiritual evolution_one’s prayer(as desire towards God_first of all,but as profound thinking about Him and meditation_also) has effects on others…
    But,about this _some other time & post …

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