This Monday morning I was reprimanded at work for not following through on status emails I was responsible for. I was treated like a child, forced to sit down in the managers office and have a supervisor from another state on the phone listening in as I was told I “half assed it” and that when “if I say that I am going to do something, I better do it” (this part made me feel like a teenager). Actually, I have so much fear of this management team that when saw my coworker was sending the required emails and I didn’t want to flood the managers email box. Anyways…
An area I need to work is not letting my self-worth be defined by any job or any buddy. Easily said. Well I wish I had this level of health. I started thinking crazy thoughts that my manager and others want me dead and I wanted to hurt myself, and that this could somehow get back for my negative feedback and as a statement to the fact that others in the company could make the same mistake that I did with no issues. (This is called a revenge fantasy). Are they worth myself sacrifice? No, it is just a job. But I still wanted to die.
Another part of me has illusions of excellence and grandeur by being the *best* employee and when I fail to meet this, I am completely crushed. (The challenge of perfectionism) I truly did not enjoy sitting in my cubical, being tortured with visions of self harm.. but after many hours it finally passed.
For some it is simply a reprimand and they go on with their day, for others like myself, this event is a trigger of weeks of dark thoughts, visions of ones own blood being spilled, sleepless nights and helpless feelings. Maybe through therapy I can find resolution.
I hope that I can be a stronger person.