Being a Supportive Birthpartner & Husband (fighting dark thoughts)

Ever want a full shift in reality?

(Draft v1)

There we are wife and I laboring along and next thing you now she is crying about pain, everyone says well based on the medicine we are giving (an epidural which is a needle in the spine numbing a person from the waste down) there should be not that level of pain.   Sparing unpleasant the details, they give my wife oxygen.  Then all the monitors go crazy.  Then the nurse, says there are going to be a lot of people in here shortly and she urgently pushes a small red button about the size of a dime in the wall.   Now up to this point, the halls are empty and it is a very quiet classy place with flat screens in every private delivery room, Bose wave sounds systems and hardwood walls and floors.   And, yet, it is kind of a ghost town, then by pressing this red button 20 people coming running in the room, each yelling medical jargon and I become the the invisible man, in 15 seconds after everyone is yelling like on the New York Stock Exchange they wheel my wife out and everyone is gone, really I am alone…  To be honest the a pessimistic voice in me speaks up an says they are all dead, I argue with my self since I have learned to recognized my own self destructive thinking and say no this is not like that little house on the prairie episode (where mother and child die in child birth) remain calm and form no conclusions.  Next a kind woman comes with a pile of hospital blue cloths and asks me to suit up, like am going to preform a surgery, she says don’t forget to put the shoe covers on.  I look like something out of an Intel commercial.  Then the mid-wife comes in, who I recognize and says well “lets go see the baby.. we are going to go into the operating room by the way your not upset by blood?”  “Well yes, I do get a little light headed”… I can only imagine the horror show she is going to take me into.

In the past, I went to the bodies exhibit in Manhattan, real bodies on display for people to learn, divinchi did it, I am an artist so why not go?  At the bodies exhibit everything was okay for me in the first room, the skeletons, I have seen those before, Halloween, art school etc.  Then I got to the muscle and tissue room, the room started rocking, I felt like I was on a plane in heavy turbulence, I had to sit down, close my eyes, I could hear young medical students trying to impress their dates listing human anatomy in Latin.  I digress…

Well, thank goodness they did not bring me into the operating room, the smell of the cottering iron burning my wife’s inner flesh as they close the hole they made in her abodmine as she lays unconsciousness, no thank you, that is just too much (sorry if it was too much information, that was the last cecarian they did for our first child.)

The she was laying down under a heatlamp, the little baby with jet black fuzzy hair, as they were inking up each of her little feet making foot prints.  She looks so health, a nice shade of pinkish red and dark eyes (eye color comes in after 3 months.)   Then the 10 people in the room, who all happen to be women medical professionals, look at me as they announce that I am the dad, and ask one simple question… What is the name?  Stupefied, My mind is blank, we had spent months picking out names and had nightly debates on the meaning of the names, my hand fumbled for a the scraps of paper in my pocket which had the names, all I could say was “It all happened so quick, I get back to you” well this is what happens after 40 hours of sleep depravation.  Then I gathered my senses as they continued processing my daughter, this time by putting goo into her eyes (vitamin K gel).  Ah yes it was between the two names I wanted, Sara or Anne and my wife’s choice of Evelyn.  The the old logical mind kicked in, let see I hold my wifes hand as she has been suffering from intense pain of internal organ rupturing for over 10 hours while I get to flipantly pick the name, while she is unconscious undergoing surgery for the scarified of bringing this child to this world.   It should be what my wife wants besides, I can pick the middle name.  “Evelyn” I yell out in a self proclaimed tone, yes that is the name.

Where are we today?  They closed both ruptures in my wife (ripped organs) and we are in the hospital with the newborn, Evelyn, while my wife is here this week.  I hope everything is going to be okay, but they still have a “drain” which is pulling blood out of her midsection… I am so scared by this…. I am working to be the supportive birth partner/husband, Stay positive, be positive, get at least 4 hours sleep, take my medications, hope for the best.

(I cherish any hopeful/supportive messages anyone has…)


2 thoughts on “Being a Supportive Birthpartner & Husband (fighting dark thoughts)

  1. My dearest,dearest_friend !
    What a joy !and what a vivid and suggestive and inspired description -of those moments-you gave to us all,here, your visitors and friends ! I was here and I’m sure that the other friends, visitors of your blog_were also here_all the time,during these days,since your announcement that you are at the hospital. I’ve spent last night writing you a mail_and thinking towards you and to your wife and ,of course_ the baby.And thinking towards God.Everything will be great,the little girl and her mother,too_are guarded ,surrounded by the light of God.How do I know that,for sure ?I know_because I can feel His love and sympathy for you and your family_your wife and kids.
    I know that what I feel _are not simply my own feelings_after all,you are strange people to me,I don’t know you and you don’t know me,besides there is the geographical distance_anyway you look at it_between us there is only distance_and I’m not such a sentimental person_so,where comes all this great love and sympathy that I suddenly get my soul filled with_when thinking about you ?It’s God’s love for you_I’m only the go-betweener…
    But this is the way things are functioning:when I pray and God answers _It is like yourself were praying _and His answer goes to you,too _even if you might not feel it _or maybe you are feeling it_but you don’t understand what are you experiencing.For a while!
    Remember that I have invited God to bless you !I gave you the Bible verses in Romanian_now,allow me to try to translate them :

    ” Let God bless you and_ guard you from any evil !
    Let God rise His face upon you and_ give you His peace !
    Let God make His look shine towards you and_offer you His mercy and kindness!”


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