all colors fade to black

All colors fade to black, I squeeze my eyes tightly closed, try not to see the scene of my own end, but it is layed before me in my own minds eye, no escape, like clock work orange. Pls rx take hold, maybe just take one more. Be strong this is a part of a process, I tell myself. Its okay. I don’t matter, I am an ant which can be crushed, just as my work did firing my cooworkers.. I feel it, Calm, slEep coming, and not too late really.


6 thoughts on “all colors fade to black

  1. v kind of you, I am hoping for the best, in the best all the colors return… just takes time.. U caring is light a ray of light shining from a high window into my cell.

  2. Yesterday I’ve found something that might be useful to you :the idea that we might welcome anything that is happening to us_this kind of dark attacks_included .It would be some sort of martial art approach :not fighting the enemy with our force but,instead_letting his own impetus get him far from us.
    Or ,like in a Tom & Jerry cartoon ,when Jerry simply opens the door ,so that the enraged Tom ,carried by his own speed and fury_gets through the room directly to the window.
    This idea,which isn’t new_I know_was presented in some conference about The Sedona Method.
    It appealed to me_as I’ve had some nasty and hardly to digest challenges during the past 3 weeks

  3. Hi !But,of course_nothing compares with calling God to your help !
    As everything is a matter of positiveness vs.negativity,of light vs.darkness,of good
    vs. evil and_God being the very source of positiveness,of light and of goodness_when calling Him_our soul is filled with those.
    I would compare such episodes as that described by you _with a sand storm;everything seems to be covered by the sand,you feel like all your landmarks are lost,you feel alone and helpless,the darkness and cold _seem to have been installed for ever around you…And,above all_every grain of sand is spreading hate towards you.
    Especially because it is such an unfair battle,with such disproportion of forces_we need God .And we need to have a firm and consistent path towards Him_into our inner being(in our brain I might say) to be established in time of relative calmness and silence.
    This path would be like a deep and strong root that would anchor our inner being into God’s being.It is established and have to be maintained through repeated,daily prayer…
    By doing so you’ll see_the “attacks”will become more and more weak and short;more rare.
    Believe me _it is not far the day when you’ll find hard to remember how they looked like.As I,too_ cannot remember how it felt when I was such afraid that I couldn’t get out of home,or such terrified (yes I have this idea that these sufferings might be atrocious but I cannot relive them) at the thought of a new panic attack _that I was thinking about suicide.These are all gone,like having been washed out from my memory…
    You’ve said that you had the feeling that you don’t matter and that you could be smashed in a second _without any care from the part of,let’s say_life or destiny.But,apart from all those to whom you are important(friends and family and humans in general)_you are invaluable to God Himself. Every thread of hair on your head_is counted by God_said Jesus…
    By the way _start reading the Bible.Do this,at least_as a cultural enterprise.I dare,you !

  4. Let me continue_as I had this image when re-reading all these,and I don’t want to lose it:
    With that path firmly established into our inner being(and,as I’ve said_I consider that there are some neurological and biochemical structures progressively built,through prayer;but I don’t know,yet,how they work,in detail)_it is like a real path through which you,as a little lamb caught by storm outside the house,somewhere, more or less distant from the house_may run back when the storm is roaring around you.Of course,it is much harder to make the path right in the middle of the storm,when you don’t anymore hear or understand anything.This is why we have to trace and maintain that path_through prayer(and this is why Jesus said that we must incessantly_ pray) in times of calmness and some peace into our lives.
    Although_God’s help comes even without that path(I mean_it is not a condition imposed by Him;but it is a necessity brought by the circumstances in which this “play”,this drama is played;remember_this is not a story with only two personages_ Humanity and God ,but_with three.)being previously built, but_it is much harder for us to feel His presence as we stand there,far from the “house”,blinded by the darkness(the pain and the fear_which attract more and more negativity around us).
    In our country_there is a saying:”you must save some white money for the black days that are to come “.Likewise_we must save and gather white prayers as preparation for such dark moments_as that you have been through, these days.
    Because,through prayer _we experience God;we feel Him and we get to know Him and we become able to recognise His presence…And this,my friend_means “faith” :knowledge !We are not asked to have blind faith,not at all !Instead,we are said “Come,taste and see that God is good”_we are called,even implored_ to know Him directly …

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