Trying.. never give up

I am trying so hard,  i now recognize negative self talk and obsessive thinking ( where i think others are thing negatively) are in my head.  I recognize my need for constant afirmation and approval.  I also recognize that i need constant exercise and that i will always be hungry with the rx.  (It is like a thirst that cannot be quenched but instead it is a hunger which will not be met)  i also know that i will not die if i stop eating for the night.  Moreover, i have learned that i will have episodes while sitting at my desk where i thing dark self harming self destructing thoughts.  To fight an episode like this i can put on music to dround out the thoughts and know that it will pass.  I do not yet know what triggers these thoughts but i keep a journal in my frankln planner along with my mood rating for the day.  If i am really challenged i take a kava kava herbal. 
So now that i have my haed together and thing s on track do i push my self and transfer to Northwestern business program or at least try?  If i get in it will consume all my finacial reserves which i need for my startup.  But what is the harm in trying… and this is a good problem to have.  I didn’t even think i could get into grad school and now i am considerinf applying to a top ten school.  Is it my perfectionist nature which pushes me or that my older brother went to Northwestern.  Some would say if u want to work for a big company then it is important to go to a great school, but ic u have your own company then does it matter?  Maybe?… 

For some strange reason i have been sleeping in a blanket on the floor for about a week.  Maybe it is darker, maybe i feel safer?   You would think a premier bed with egyption cotton sheets would be great… yep it is kind of strange… i think maybe it keeps the nightmares away….

When running today i was caught in a spring rain..


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