I am trying so hard, i now recognize negative self talk and obsessive thinking ( where i think others are thing negatively) are in my head. I recognize my need for constant afirmation and approval. I also recognize that i need constant exercise and that i will always be hungry with the rx. (It is like a thirst that cannot be quenched but instead it is a hunger which will not be met) i also know that i will not die if i stop eating for the night. Moreover, i have learned that i will have episodes while sitting at my desk where i thing dark self harming self destructing thoughts. To fight an episode like this i can put on music to dround out the thoughts and know that it will pass. I do not yet know what triggers these thoughts but i keep a journal in my frankln planner along with my mood rating for the day. If i am really challenged i take a kava kava herbal.
So now that i have my haed together and thing s on track do i push my self and transfer to Northwestern business program or at least try? If i get in it will consume all my finacial reserves which i need for my startup. But what is the harm in trying… and this is a good problem to have. I didn’t even think i could get into grad school and now i am considerinf applying to a top ten school. Is it my perfectionist nature which pushes me or that my older brother went to Northwestern. Some would say if u want to work for a big company then it is important to go to a great school, but ic u have your own company then does it matter? Maybe?…
For some strange reason i have been sleeping in a blanket on the floor for about a week. Maybe it is darker, maybe i feel safer? You would think a premier bed with egyption cotton sheets would be great… yep it is kind of strange… i think maybe it keeps the nightmares away….
When running today i was caught in a spring rain..