Working through it *warning story may trigger some*

Great,  it hit me like a ton of bricks today, the big S
The visual image of jumping from a 50 story building.
Why? I feel like i am a disposable person stuck on disposable projects at work meanwhile others are working on “important projects”
I am idling my time, sitting in a cubicle paid in paper (paper is mentioned to highlight the worthlessness of it)
No, i am also fighting, putting my resume out there, online,  moving forward.

I think my boss thinks i am a dumb, half wit, which is only because i am new to the technology and he makes me nervous.
The result is that anything I say sounds naive.
He provides zero positive feedback.

What to do?
I went running 2 miles… (and come to think it perhaps this is triggered in part to not exercising and the up coming exam.)
When I came back to the building the image flashed before me, jumping from the top.
I had been so good, so long without these images… god please.

What to do?
Well i could do home hospital self soothing and take a low dose anti-psychotic and then later sleeping medicine and watch a funny movie.
Or i can stay in control and have dinner, not panick, and fight the upcoming exam by typing up my homework, start going through the problems missed on the midterm and so the assigned reading.
I AM OKAY, I AM IN CONTROL
Fx, Those techno weenies at work and i am going to focus on what is important and that is to get a job that uses both my personal skills and technology skills,
I will keep the resumes flowing and keep jumping through the hoops of today, in hope of a better tomorrow.
Remember when u commit the big S there are no more great days to come, it is over, so keep focused feel the love and help me to realize am not alone, ever.

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