I have been dealing with so much.
I broke someones trust,
all loved ones out of town.
so it all started with the company nurse looking at my finger at my office,
which had been hurting for 2 weeks after I played football with guys on the block.
she says you need this to be x-rayed
The next day, I went to my community hospital and had it x-rayed
as i came home the nurse called… U need to go to visit this doctor…. it is broken
So I found my self at the downtown hospital, the told me they will put me under for Surgery
to work put my finger back together with pins.
Then there was an evil voice/thought that I should talk lots of Ativan before the surgery
so I will die of cartac arrest in surgery and have it look like an accident.
But then when I went back to my car… It hit me…. looking on to downtown chicago from
the westside… I was standing in this exact same spot, looking on to the City Years ago. I was
at this hospital were my step-bother died at 17 of Heart Failure (4 years earlier he had a heart transplant).
it was cold and raining, I cried in the car, cried driving myself home as I sluggishly made my
way home through traffic, cried. I loved him so much. It was if, I was brought back to this place
to have a time/place event triggering a repressed memory. I wanted to call my x-girl friend who
now works at the hospital, someone to hug, someone who cares. So sad, and on that day, years ago when he died,
my brother was in a “comma” even the nurses were crying…
I kinda of feel like I am in that old movie Ground Hog Day – where I don’t know what to do to ease my
depression, therapy, Rx, Drs, Diet, helping other with depression, repressed memories,
and I have to cycle through it over and over until I figure it out, perhaps there is no escape. Most of the time
it is controlled well, but this is not one of those times. Maybe this it a time for tears before everyone
comes back, maybe I was allotted a ‘break’ to focus on me and go down into the dark place, caring
a small candle of hope.
Surgery… this will be interesting…