The Equinox – Time and Space came together

 

 

I have been dealing with so much.

Updates:
I broke someones trust,
all loved ones out of town.
Veganism continues
Mothers Birthday

so it all started with the company nurse looking at my finger at my office,
which had been hurting for 2 weeks after I played football with guys on the block.
she says you need this to be  x-rayed
The next day, I went to my community hospital and had it x-rayed
as i came home the nurse called… U need to go to visit this doctor…. it is broken
So I found my self at the downtown hospital, the told me they will put me under for Surgery
to work put my finger back together with pins.
Then there was an evil voice/thought that I should talk lots of Ativan before the surgery
so I will die of cartac arrest in surgery and have it look like an accident.
But then when I went back to my car… It hit me…. looking on to downtown chicago from
the westside… I was standing in this exact same spot, looking on to the City Years ago.  I was
at this hospital were my step-bother died at 17 of Heart Failure (4 years earlier he had a heart transplant).
it was cold and raining, I cried in the car, cried driving myself home as I sluggishly made my
way home through traffic, cried.  I loved him so much.  It was if, I was brought back to this place
to have a time/place event triggering a repressed memory.  I wanted to call my x-girl friend who
now works at the hospital, someone to hug, someone who cares.  So sad, and on that day, years ago when he died,
my brother was in a “comma” even the nurses were crying…

I kinda of feel like I am in that old movie Ground Hog Day – where I don’t know what to do to ease my
depression, therapy, Rx, Drs, Diet, helping other with depression, repressed memories,
and I have to cycle through it over and over until I figure it out, perhaps there is no escape.  Most of the time
it is controlled well, but this is not one of those times.  Maybe this it a time for tears before everyone
comes back, maybe I was allotted a ‘break’ to focus on me and go down into the dark place, caring
a small candle of hope.

Surgery… this will be interesting…

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One thought on “The Equinox – Time and Space came together

  1. In a way you are right, we all do in fact live in a continuous ground-hog day, although we are not aware of this…The situation is like that because we are memory-beings and because we do not possess a real device for forgetfulness. And so, there is not such thing like forgetting. Events are just moved deeper and deeper to different memory structures & places…
    This is why real forgiveness does not exist either, because how could it exist without real forgetfulness…
    There are, of course, many ways and techniques to disconnect the memory imprint of an event
    from it’s affective and neurobiological correspondences. Some of them do this through rationalization, for example. Some other, through bringing the repressed memory of an event, to the conscious level.
    The most efficient forgiveness is brought into our soul and mind by God’s presence, right there in those places. But even His presence either does not cause oblivion or forgetfulness but, by changing the nature of our consciousness, renders it able to neutralise the impact of things that are stored, for ever I should say, on different levels of our memory. And by doing such a work _ forgiveness results.

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