They have told me in my dbsa meeting that waking up to negative self talk is hard, what is even hard is when u believe and feel it. Today will be the first day i go to work feeling down and owning my own company, seems ironic since i should be aways happy and empower because i have my own company and no investors to answer to yet kinda feel like crying. There is no reason for this, but that is the nature of a mood disorder, richer or poorer, sick or healthy it can strike all. Maybe it is that my father has left on transalantic cruise with his wife for 3 weeks to explore the nortics and stops at iceland and green land.
I have a reoccurrent image in my mind, of having a black mercadies… the black gates automatically open to a the driveway of a large mansion on a pretty brick drive. The house keeper comes out to help me, and the ironic part is that the house keeper is happier and is leading more of a colorful fufilling life than i. Meaning it does matter what you have, when you have a mood disorder great wealth becomes isolating, sad and meaningless.
Journal entry 4 today.