In the United States there are two circles the inner circle and the outer circle. for my entire life I am always in the outer circle whether it be work, socially and more recent even inside my own family extended family. This concept of circles is very challenging for me and even cost me almost my life for I felt that there was no circle for me that there was no place for me that I would always be alone unloved unworthy and not available for caring.
ultimately when i was a teenager we take a stand we hold our ground, we can take no more. When you feel that you will never be included in any group ever and you have determined that you will always be alone and convinced yourself then you will never be loved or find love . so why is it so surprising, when a teenager considers taking their own life? When the United states has these continued, circles.
But the reality is there are many circles in the world and by ending one’s life they never will see or find a circle in which they fit.
Remember with all these circles there must be others who have been excluded also and they form their own circles and it’s a chance to be in those circles, hope.
the circles that I have been in include the Boy Scouts of America, the art club, IBM New York City Software Group, teenage church group and my own smaller family unit.
Recent circles that I have been excluded from include the neighbors activities on my block andmy extended family.
Why was I not in more circles growing up? why was I not more included? for me I believe it is actually generational.
in my family, my father taught us the arts and hard work; but in reality everyone, including today, played and loved sports.
Instead, I became one of the most talented artists in my high school, and was always well dressed. however I was not the most popular person in school, although I was well known for running for president. I think you get the picture.
The challenge was ultimately in my heart as a teenager I believed that I would never be loved. and this is a heavy thing to be in the outside and finally I decided to go to a place where I will always be accepted, will always be safe, and always be resting. this place when I was a teenager, I thought was death and it became my friend.
Every painting that I created during this time was secretly encoding my own darkness and deep feelings about the other side, I was alone and I was the outsider. I felt like I had no hope, no chance of recovery, no chance of being loved.
I am so glad that I never was successful at any of my own attempts, because you never know what is around the corner. this is so true, for I found that I was able to gain love, have a family, and to occasionally be in some circles. Constantly being excluded is hard and everything but I have learned but I have begun to define myself and even work on becoming part of the outer circle. what I need to do is come to terms with all these things and allow myself to be likeable and loved and have friends.
these are the real goals that I have for myself. and they especially include making inroads with my own children so that I may have a family going forward that loves and cares for each other.
just remember that you are never truly alone, REALLY, nor are you completely excluded, even in our darkest times. There is always something around the corner.
Lots of love and hope.